Sad.....

I've put off writing this post because I know it's going to be a downer in a lot of ways. I know also that many people won't want to read through this when they realize where it's headed. Feel free to slip away without commenting or don't even finish reading if you choose. Many people just can't relate to this subject. The one I'm about to actually write about, that is.

Now that I've made this seem all mysterious and secretive...

I'll just write from my heart and lay it all out.

I'm sad. Heartbroken. My sister Cecil mentioned on her last post that one of the newborn kittens that I've been bottle feeding and raising had died. He died Monday morning in the wee hours. He was fine, seemingly perfectly healthy, and then an hour later he was dead. And he suffered awfully, in such pain. His cries, with each breath, broke my heart and the memories are making me tear up even now. There was no time to get him to a vet.

He was only a week old. His eyes and ears never opened. He was so tiny and so loving. He recognized my voice and would crawl towards me.

I was devastated. You might not think you could get so attached to an animal in only a week, but I do. Call me softhearted. I am. Call me silly. I don't think so. Call me compassionate. I am.

I buried him in my front flowerbed, not too far from my dear 17-year old cat who died in 2004, and Cecil's beloved cat who died several years ago.

I've mentioned several times that Cecil and Ducky, two of my sisters, have worked for over 20 years for a veterinarian who is a family friend. A niece and great-niece also work there, and Jessica worked there during her last two years of high school. I have more than a passing knowledge of animal health and have bottle fed and fostered more than a handful of kittens.

We all discussed the kitten's symptoms and were mystified by his sudden crash and death after seeming so healthy and robust.

All during this time, the other kitten, a tiny female, seemed to be doing fine. This morning, she was listless and wouldn't take formula from her bottle. She didn't respond to my voice and my caresses as she had been and seemed to be in pain. She was manifesting the same symptoms her brother exhibited about an hour before he died.

Long story short, Jason took the kitten to the vet clinic and my sisters and all the staff worked on the little girl kitten, doing what they could for her. Nothing obvious stood out in her appearance and symptoms, and after a while she seemed to be doing better. Jason brought her back to me. But as soon as I took her in my hands I knew she was dying, just like her brother. In less than an hour, she was gone, suffering horribly just like her brother before her.

By now we were all upset and totally mystified as to what had made two seemingly healthy and vigorous kittens crash and die in an hour's time, 3 days apart. Jessica came and got the girl kitten's body and took it back to the clinic, where the vet did an autopsy.

The poor baby's kidneys were deformed and enlarged several times their normal size. Apparently they had some kidney function, but as they grew their damaged kidneys couldn't handle the load, and when they reached the critical point, they crashed and died.

There would have been nothing the vet could do, even if they had operated. The poor babies were doomed from birth. It makes me wonder if their mother somehow sensed their internal defects and abandoned them because of it.

Now, some of you might be wondering if this experience will make me hesitate before accepting more kittens, puppies, or whatever kind of babies to raise next time the situation arises. You might also be surprised by my answer.

Right now, at this very minute, if some babies needed mothering, I'd take them in a heartbeat. Yes, I am so sad that those poor dear babies had to die, but for the ones that thrive and make it, the rewards more than offset the grieving for the few that don't make it.

Nature can seem cruel, with her checks and balances, but isn't it the same with all of life? Like it or not, death is the close companion of life.

Tonight I am sad but at peace, knowing I did the best I could for my little feline babies. And the next time the phone rings and some babies need mothering, my heart will give a little leap of joy, no matter if it's human babies or animal babies. All of God's babies need a Mama. I can do that.


In a day or so, I'll be back to my usual self, but for now, I need this time to be sad and to deal with the loss of my babies. I just wanted to check in and let everyone know what's going on with me, and why I haven't posted anything in almost a week.

I also want to be real here, and I thank you all for allowing me that privilege.

Love and blessings to all,