Tuesday, February 14, 2006

I'm Sad......

If I hadn't had a complete hysterectomy in 1999, I would pass all this off as hormones. I suppose they might still have something to do with my current weepy mood. I suppose it was the combination of things coming together, not the individual events that overcame my usual composure.......Is that vague enough for you? My thoughts and emotions are a bit jumbled up right now, and I need to try to sort them out. Sorry, but you get to be the sounding board for this orgy of teary contemplation.

1. I visited our local newpaper online just now and found my Mom's cousin listed in the obituaries. He was only 65 years old, and for some reason it just brought all the "I miss Mom" emotions right to the surface.

2. Just a few listings down on the page I found one of my best friends from high school listed. She was 42, and we graduated together, Class of 1982. We used to spend the night at each other's house and I went to several slumber parties at her house. (Question: Why are they called "slumber parties" when you don't actually slumber, but stay up all night?) She nursed a very sickly little boy alone until he died at about 7 years old. Her mom and dad are both dead, and she had 2 failed marriages. She left a little girl, about 12 years old, now, and I wonder who will raise her. It just breaks my heart for Stephanie, and for her daughter.

3. Jessica hasn't even wished me a Happy Valentine's Day, much less given me a card or gift. That is not like her at all. I would be more than pleased with a homemade card, poem she wrote for me, just anything to acknowledge the day. She doesn't have any money for candy, flowers, a card or gift, she said.........And I truly don't need or really even want those things.....I just want a little piece of her time and attention just for me, her Mom. I don't think she even really comprehends that she has hurt my feelings, and that hurts worse than her not getting me anything, if that makes any sense to anyone but me. Emotions are so hard to quantify and put into words, and I know I haven't really expressed this clearly. Just ignore me and I will be okay in a minute, I promise. I just needed to sort this out as best I can for myself.

Now, anyone who truly knows me can vouch that I am normally very even-keeled and solid, emotionally speaking. I am a strong Christian woman, and I am the one others can usually depend on to be there with a sturdy shoulder to lean on. I suppose it's the combination of all these things that have turned on the water-works, and any other time, one or even two of these things I would have weathered, sad but unshaken. I could just fall back on that time-honored adage, "It's a woman thing," and I'm sure the feminine genes have a LOT to do with it, but it's an emotional overload thing that has nothing to do with gender, I think. Our menfolk have been done a disservice by the present day collective expectations of this generation, I firmly believe. We expect them to be strong and "manly", but sensitive enough to cry at touching moments. Society berates them for being insensitive, the strong, silent type, then makes fun of them for being "sissies," and questions their heterosexuality if they do show their tender,sensitive natures. I'M confused by the conflicting messages sent by our worldly society---How can our men NOT be pulled in multiple directions by the conflicting expectations of this present generation?

Okay, I've rambled on long enough......somebody stop me, now, lol. I'm all better, now, as promised. I just had to put everything in perspective........All in all, today has still been a good day.....My honey is taking me out to eat Thursday......My glasses are in and paid for, (an answered prayer, right. there. I'll have you know,) my sisters came up today and we had a lot of fun.....Lisa and Brian brought me a lovely bunch of flowers yesterday, as well as cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory and some candy. Things could always be a LOT worse. Thank you, Lord for small troubles, they make me appreciate You that much more when the Big troubles threaten to overwhelm me.

Isaiah 40:31 -- "They that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run and not grow weary, they shall walk and not faint."

Blessings,

Diane

7 comments:

hellen said...

Sorry about your Mom's cousin and about your friend--life, like death is not fair sometimes. Matter of fact, it sometimes seems like it shouldn't be allowed--death, I mean. And sometimes when kids grow up-- they also start to grow away-- I think sometimes it's their own way of distancing themselves when they leave so that it won't hurt as much....just a thought... As for the Valentine's thing.....I'm sorry...but I love you anyway....And for what it's worth, I didn't know I was being favored when we were kids...I just thought YOU ALL loved me so much, that you just all babied me like I belonged to you....Guess I really do in a way....:)..Guess you figured out this is your sister...Happy Valentine's Day..Love, Cecil

Diane said...

Thanks, Cecil, I needed that....I am just being overly emotional, I know, but sometimes a person just "FEELS", and it doesn't matter whether it's rational or not......My feelings are hurt, and it matters not to me whether anybody else thinks it's justified, or not. I just am hurt. This, too, shall pass.......I love you so much, sister, and I appreciate you being there for me. When my shoulder gets dry, you know it's there for you if you need it--anytime, no questions asked. I will post this on b's blog, too, in case you don't find this one.

LOVE YOU,

DIANE

Diane said...

P.S. Cecil, and Everyone,

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU, TOO.

I LOVE YOU.........

DIANE

Sister said...

Diane,
Funny you should write about loss...
Tonight I watched "Elizabethtown". Have you seen it? It's a quirky (to me, anyway) movie that revolves around a son who travels to his family's hometown of Elizabethtown, KY following the death of his father.

Needless to say, the movie has many scenes that we can all relate to. The only exception to that may be the memorial service itself, although I attended one in December that came real close to it! :)

Like it or not, loss, no matter what the package, is a fact of life. The verse you quoted from Isaiah is a constant reminder that we can overcome losses of any kind - whether it's the death of a loved one, a child's rite of passage, or a cherished friendship. Just remember, when you lose somebody, through that you find yourself.

Read that last sentence again. And again. And one more time.

Thus ends the conclusion of tonight's lesson. :)

Diane said...

Thanks, friend sister, just knowing someone else cares is a comfort to my aching heart, :). The closer you are to the fire, the more it burns, and right now I am close to the fire.... In few days or a week, I will be farther away from the hurt and have a better perspective of it. It's just so new and fresh right now. Troubles go better with friends, smile... :)
And, no, I haven't seen Elizabethtown, but I will make the effort to, now.
We all need to sit at the feet of the Master Teacher and be taught at times.....Thanks muchly....

BooMama said...

There's a verse I pray for Alex every day, and I think it applies here: "And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." - Ephesians 3:17-19

Diane said...

Thanks for caring, boomama. I am richly blessed with family and friends who love and care about me---how much more can a person ask for in this world here below? I am doubly blessed that God has allowed me to come to know you and sister, and I am excited about getting better acquainted with you and your circle of friends and family. :) Thanks for the scripture, too--it fits perfectly!!